the solipsist in love

Ladies, do you ever wonder whether your guy friends are secretly interested in dating or having sex with you? If you don’t, then you really, really should start. Now.

All heterosexual women need to familiarize themselves with Ladder Theory. The fundamental premise of the theory is that since (straight) men want to have sex with any woman they come into contact with, it’s impossible for (straight) men and women to be “just friends” without the issue of sex coming up. Since most straight women do draw lines between the men they would have sex with under the right conditions and the men they would never get naked with even if the world were going to end tomorrow, they wrongly believe that their heterosexual male friends are actually perfectly happy being fully-clothed friends with them forever and ever.

If you put faith into this fallacious notion, you are bound for a rude awakening. I’ve already had mine, and I’d like to spare you the sense of violation and betrayal that accompanies it. And since everyone loves a story, I’ll share my own.

A story for you!

In college I made friends with a rather odd but sweet boy named Todd. To be fair, my school was full of weirdos, which was why I’d gone there in the first place. Anyway, Todd was intelligent, honest, and considerate, if a bit eccentric. Because I’m the type of person who prefers a few very close friends to a lot of more casual relationships, Todd and I started spending a great deal of time together – sharing meals in the dining halls, taking trips out of town, and hanging out in the evenings. (At the time I was friends with him and two other boys.) I was in the process of an excruciatingly complex breakup and was also taking advantage of my almost-freedom to have sex with lots of charming boys I’d been “friends” with for the past year or so. But I felt no sexual attraction whatsoever to Todd. He was a bit goofy looking, in a good-natured way, but I failed to get any kind of sexual vibe from him. Anyway, Todd and I spent a lot of time in each other’s dorm rooms, just chatting or listening to music. During the cold winter months, I found myself in his room late at night, sleepy and reluctant to make the walk back through the cold to my own dorm.

“You can just sleep here if you like,” he said.

“I don’t know about that,” I responded, “though it’s nice of you to offer.”

“It’s not like anything would happen. You’d just sleep here. I could sleep on the floor in my sleeping bag if you like.”

” It’s OK. I think I’ll just walk.”

This happened a few times. I was comforted by Todd’s reassurances that of course nothing sexual would happen. I had met my share of jerks by the time I was 19, so I remained wary of him even after months of steady, uneventful friendship, but he continued to seem innocuous.

One night he was in my room and it got late. I finally felt comfortable enough with him to offer to let him sleep over. I was excited by the prospect of becoming so close with a platonic friend of the opposite sex, and to reach that level of trust. We slept side by side on my twin bed, fully clothed in pajamas (he was wearing sweatpants).

About forty-five minutes after we’d said good night, I stirred from my sleep and opened my eyes to see him staring at me.

“What are you doing? Can’t you sleep?” I asked.

“Just looking at you,” he said. And then he moved in to kiss me.

Unfortunately, my WTF reaction was no match for my “be a good girl and give the man what he wants” programming. So we ended up making out for a while and fooling around.

The next day, I was in shock about what had happened. Mostly I felt lied to and taken advantage of. Unfortunately, he seemed to have seen nothing wrong with anything that had happened, and refused to acknowledge that he had violated my trust.

(Incidentally, of the two other male friends I’d been close with that year, one of them I was also not attracted to; he ended up finally accusing me of “sleeping with everyone but him.” The third one, well, I was attracted to him, and we ended up consummating our lust at the end of the year once he had broken up with his girlfriend.)

The moral of the story

You can take my anecdote with a grain of salt if you like, but do so at your own risk. Since this unfortunate incident, almost every one of my guy friends has expressed admitted he would like to sleep with all of his female friends.

You’ll notice that I’ve implied I still have guy friends; yes, it is possible, if you heed these three ground rules.

Don’t lead him on. Yes, he might be your primary emotional support, but if he is giving you all of his time and energy and you’re not putting out, then you’re doing him a major disservice. Have a heart and let him loose; you don’t have to kick him out of your life, but you might consider laying it out for him (e.g. “Hey, we’re never going to have sex, I’m sorry”) and/or actively encouraging him to date and get serious with someone else.

Don’t let your guard down. Most, if not all, guys are socially conditioned to believe that a woman can mean “yes” even though she says “no.” This is a horrible, horrible vestige of a more oppressive period in our social history, and if you’ve dated more than three guys in your life, you probably realize how much of that bullshit is still hanging around. So even if you tell a guy you don’t want to sleep with him, he will continue to think he has a chance. He will interpret every invitation to greater “platonic” intimacy and every ambiguous nonverbal signal as an indication that you might give it up after all. Set your boundaries firmly and don’t be so sure you can trust your guy friend to treat you honorably when you’re vulnerable. If he doesn’t, it’s not necessarily because he’s a scumbag, but may be just because he’s clueless about interpreting your behavior. Which leads me to the last ground rule:

Don’t lose faith in men entirely. I know it looks bleak, especially if you actually checked out that Ladder Theory website and felt disgusted at its strongly misogynistic tone. Not all of them are harbor malicious intentions; many of them are simply misguided, ignorant and clumsy, as well as doggedly persistent in the face of terrible odds. It’s worth remembering that men have a lot to offer as both friends and partners; for one thing, if you’ve ever dated a woman you will probably agree with me that men are incredibly simple creatures, sometimes blessedly so. If you can accept how they work, it’s not too hard to get along with them.

Do you have experience with this kind of relationship? If so, do you have other advice you’d like to share? Perhaps you’d like to tell me I’m full of shit? Bring it on.

Coming soon:

• Tips for males on how to deal with sexual attraction to female friends.
• What to do when the sexual attraction is mutual but neither of you has the balls to do anything about it.

Stay tuned!

N.B.: I realize that this post fails to address other sexual orientations. I can’t say how effectively the fundamentals of Ladder Theory describe bisexuals, homosexuals, etc., nor am I able to address its application to genderqueer individuals. It seems the theory has come under fire for failing to address those groups, and my own personal experience can attest to its validity only in the realm of cisgender heterosexuals. (I really hope I’m using all those terms correctly. If you see I’m not, please educate me.)

Related Reading:
Is the “Other Woman” morally culpable?
Friends with sexual tension

Photo by permanently scatterbrained.