the solipsist in love

Yes, so, clearly I’m having trouble keeping up with my update schedule. Sorry. But here goes:

I ended up agreeing to go out on a date with Luke last weekend. The good: he looked pretty much exactly like his pictures, but for a slightly weaker chin, so he was pretty cute. He managed to hold up his end of an intellectual conversation. He paid for everything (though really we just had drinks at several different bars). He had a yummy body (pale and skinny and hairless, with protruding hipbones and a tiny waist and freckles across his back). And the sex was good; I was impressed with his stamina and relentless enthusiasm.

The bad is, actually, too much for me to fully go into at this point. In summary, I really should have paid attention to the red flags I’d seen before I’d even met him. Yep. How many times do I need to relearn this lesson? Anyway, he displayed abominably bad manners, and while some of this can be chalked up to his total lack of experience with girls he can slap around in bed ( “oh wait, she’s not just a fucktoy? ” ), I’m also less than impressed with his communication skills and his ability to, like, not be a stupid fucking indecisive flake. OK then. I was willing to give him another chance and explain to him the rules of etiquette (primarily: hi, I’m still human, you need to treat me with some goddamn respect and appreciation if you want anything from me), but his ability to even allot me some time to finish this conversation is apparently nonexistent. SO NOT IMPRESSED. So I think I am going to just tell him TTYN. (By the way, I’ve become addicted to the new MTV show “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF.” OMGWTFLOL.)

The good news is that going on a date with this dude who may justifiably now be labeled a Total Creep (and maybe many of you would have given him that label two months ago, but I guess I’m more generous/naive than that) has made me appreciate Seth a lot more. It seems the key to keeping that relationship in calm waters is to just avoid all possible party-related interactions in his company. I don’t deny that part of what makes me somewhat comfortable with this arrangement — more comfortable than I might otherwise be — is a healthy dose of denial about the extent and range of his other relationships. On the bright side, he has modified his OkCupid profile to indicate that he is way too busy to start dating anyone new. So I guess I’m on the permanent schedule, even if it is just once a week.

Meanwhile, I’ve started seeing a therapist — an intern, a student of the California Institute of Integral Studies. The first session (intake) went okay, but then again I didn’t let her talk much; she just asked background questions. The second session, this past week, was a little rougher. I once again talked almost the entire session, but I ended up talking a fair bit about poly and kink and giving her a perfunctory education on these things. I’m not sure whether her total ignorance will end up being problematic in the therapeutic relationship. I did manage to talk about nothing but Seth the entire session, which I thought was pretty funny. Relationships are a great diversion, like a tangled ball of yarn you can just sit and pick through for hours without getting much of anywhere. And I guess they make a good icebreaker for me. I talk about relationships to everyone — even to complete strangers like you! The deeper issues, whatever those are, will have to be worked up to. Earned, so to speak. Ha.

The other change that’s happened in me since my date with Luke is that I seem to be more eager to go out and find some more people to date. Who knows why? Maybe the one date was enough of a blow to my self-esteem that I feel like I need to go trolling for someone who will appreciate me more. And yes, even more than Seth. And with whom I can have a great intellectual conversation — that would be great. And as long as we’re wishing, how about some emotional bonding too? Not to get greedy or anything.

Nothing much else is happening, sorry to report. See you next week, by which time I hope to have at least two new prospective boytoys.