1) i think there are probably big-ticket positive items (as well as negative) that could theoretically make up for egregious errors like this one more quickly than, say, 10 great conversations (which actually isn’t all that many — right? and in fact i’m not sure that these would really balance each other out). they just haven’t been added to the list yet. suggestions?

2) definitely comparing point-values of the guys i’m dating has given me some perspective. for instance, i mentioned in a previous entry that i started appreciating Seth a lot more after my first date with Luke. that has continued to hold true. i’m constantly comparing them in my head; i figured that the points system would be a fairer way for them to unwittingly compete against one another. and i suppose that’s where all of this started. so, no, there’s no absolute threshold at this point that i’ve identified. maybe i should… but that would involve my discretely modifying my behavior based on a boy’s acquisition of a certain point value, and i’m not sure i can commit to that right now.

Yeah, I like Fetlife.com Although most of the subs identify as slaves and I don’t, I’ve found it to be one of the more down to earth board. Some of them can get a bit cliquish, not fetlife.

The other one I’ve spent time on is Bondage.com. That’s ok but its run by the people who run Alt.com and so things like email and so on aren’t free. But the forums are good and free to post on.

Do you have any munches in your area you can go to? Making RL friends is good too.

Stay in touch if you’d like.

Bella

Seriously, glad my input was useful to you. Do you hang on any of the “lifestyle” websites? Something to think about. Hearing others my help you get some prespective on where your needs and desires fall in the spectrum.

I’ll admit that I didn’t have it in me to read the entire entry but I read about your pain and your submission, and I read about what you are and aren’t getting from the various men.

 First pain, submission, subdrop and Daddy – I don’t think any of us really “enjoy” the pain. The pain itself is still pain, it’s the endorphins rush (sub’s high) that we love, it’s the adrenaline, it’s the challenge of submitting to our partner, it’s how much it turns on your partners… it’s many things but I don’t think the pain ever stops being pain. I do think it can be contemplative. I think it can take you to a place where it shuts down everything else and is such a pure focal point that you let go of the world around you. I personally am a pain slut. I adore the pain but its not because it stops being pain but because … well because I long to suffer for Maitre.

 You mentioned being fragile the next day. Sounds like classic sub-drop to me. I always get that away after an intense session. Pamper yourself!

 Now about that Daddy thing… go for it babe. If it trips your trigger why not. You are no more twisted than any of the rest of us. I honestly think the only difference between kinky folk and vanilla folk is that kinksters are honest with themselves! I call Maitre “Daddy” all the time. It’s not so much of an age play thing with us, it’s more of an acknowledgement of nurturing and vulnerability. I don’t know if its true with the guy you were talking about but in the long run? It’s only a word.

 My tears work for Maitre, my calling him Daddy works for him as well as calling me whore…its all good.

On what you are and aren’t getting from the various men in your life – You are more than entitled to a little appreciation! You are especially entitled to some form of appreciation from a man who is beating you because it makes him hard! (ok, it makes both of you hard ). If nice guy

I guess this is why I won’t just “bottom”, I won’t just hook up with someone for the beating and the sex. I need the emotional connection. For me submission is in the emotional connection…I long to suffer for him, not simply to suffer. The exchange is in the love and caring I get when we are not playing. When we aren’t playing I’m his little princess. When we are I’m his little whore to do with as he pleases. But there is always appreciation.

If nice guy can feed your kink and love on you? I say he’s a good one to invest some energy in.

Good luck to you!

as for my mental health… yeah. i definitely need to figure out what exactly is damaging in that respect. sometimes i feel like a china shop in a world full of bulls. woe is me.

just because you are a sub doesn’t mean your dom expects you to have no boundaries, or necessarily expects to be the sole decider of boundaries. it is still your responsibility and your right to declare your boundaries – which i know is hard for you in other aspects of your relationship. so… if you’re not ready for the nipple clamps when he pulls ‘em out, let him know. or if he’s just hitting you so hard that it’s no longer even a hint of fun, it’s a good time to use a safeword.

the high of giving up control i can understand. but doing it if/when the results compromise your mental health…not worth it. you know?

also: congrats on your first butt plug experience!