The Dumbass Dilemma

November 8, 2008 at 5:04 pm | Posted in dating | Leave a comment
Tags: dating, luke, manners, sex

Well, as you may have guessed from the post title, Luke has been demoted back to Dumbass. Following his sweet little visit to sick little me last weekend, he didn’t initiate contact with me even ONCE in the intervening week. I IMed him the next day to set up our next date, at which point, despite having told me he would be “free whenever” (now that his work contract is up and he’s temporarily free of job obligations), he informed me that both his Friday and Saturday nights were booked. This may have been an irrational reason for me to get pissed at him again. By way of backstory, the night that he brought me soup I had a dream about him — a nice little boyfriend dream — which I haven’t experienced with any of the guys I’ve dated since Poly Dude. It freaked me out, because it meant that I was actually starting to like him. I was wary at first, then optimistic. And that’s when I IMed him. And for him to not even seem all that interested in talking with me or making plans was really aggravating. So whatever. I decided after that conversation that, despite having made plans for this Sunday night (dinner and a sleepover), I would be trying my hardest not to like him.

Flash forward to this morning, a day before our scheduled date. FINALLY he IMs me (I’d held out to see how long he would wait: consider that he didn’t even bother to check in with me during the week to see how my cold was progressing. Ugh). Below is an excerpt from the ensuing conversation:

11:43:40 AM Luke: I was thinking about seeing you tomorrow
11:43:57 AM Jana: that’s good. you remembered 😛
[…]
11:45:52 AM Jana: were you thinking anything in particular about tomorrow?
11:46:52 AM Luke: I’m excited to try the restaurant we’re going to
11:47:17 AM Luke: I was also thinking about fucking you
11:48:18 AM Luke: both good things to think about
11:48:20 AM Jana: sounds like a good time all around
11:48:36 AM Luke: and I was wondering how you were feeling
11:48:42 AM Luke: so I’m glad you’re over the cold

OK. To recap: “I’m excited about food and sex and I hope you’re not sick anymore so we can have food and sex.”

This has got to be the stupidest guy I’ve dated since, like, um, middle school. EVEN THE GUYS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL were nicer than this.

I just can’t understand it. Why does he think it’s appropriate to talk to me this way? Apparently my conversation with him a couple weeks ago about not treating me like a fucktoy hasn’t sunk in. I’m beginning to wonder whether he’s even human.

If I’m trying to give him a break, maybe I would guess that he thought he had bought some leeway with me for bringing me soup last weekend, so he could go back to being vulgar with me. And to be fair, things did start out this way between us back in August, with no concern for each other’s humanity. But things were different then. I desperately wanted sex, was still recovering from my breakup with Poly Dude, and was happy to objectify and be objectified in turn to get my needs met. But now I am getting sex, and I’m dating someone who is good to me in many ways. While it would be fun to have another sex partner, I’m not willing to compromise my self-esteem for that privilege — and anyway, the one thing I’m really missing is a sense of emotional intimacy with someone I’m sleeping with. So, yes, things have changed a lot since I was last talking to Dumbass. And he isn’t aware of any of this. And so he may be acting inappropriately because it’s the dynamic we’ve established and he has no idea what I really want from him, because I haven’t exactly, you know, told him. Aside from the “respect me, beeotch!” speech, of course.

But come on. It would have at least been polite to say hi during the week and ask how I was feeling, considering he SAT AROUND ALL WEEK DOING NOTHING.

Given all of this information, here are the options I’m considering:

1. Go out on my date with him tomorrow night, as planned, and wait to see whether he does anything else to piss me off that will push me over the edge and make me yell at him for being such a dumbfuck (possibly in front of an entire restaurant full of people).
2. Go out to dinner with the intention of telling him what a jackass he is either while we’re eating or directly after he pays the bill.
3. Go out to dinner with him tomorrow night, order an assload of food, make myself sick on said food, then beg off the rest of the date and go home.
4. Stand him up.
5. Wait until he comes online again (he hasn’t been on in a few hours and I know he’s going out tonight), then tell him everything I’ve said above, effectively explaining to him that I will not be going out with him tomorrow night or ever again. (This option runs the risk of his not being online again until tomorrow, which would mean I’d be canceling the date within hours of its scheduled commencement. Why I’m so concerned with being considerate, I don’t know.)
6. Send him an email containing this information, immediately.

That’s about all I’ve got. I’m worried that if I go on the date I’ll chicken out of telling him off. I’m also worried that I’m being too hard on him or failing to consider some more compassionate perspective that would make his sins seem more forgivable.

God I am such a fucking sucker.

I’m leaning toward the email, though that seems rather cowardly and rash. Am I being rash? Am I being unreasonable?

Honestly, if I didn’t have to go on this date, I could get a lot done on Sunday night for my grad school applications.