the solipsist in love

Sex objects are so much easier to deal with

The other day Luke explicitly told me that he would like to get to know me better as a person: something about how it’s easier to please someone in bed if you know more about them. I told him that I’m pretty sure none of my friends know how to get me off. But whatever. I wasn’t sure what his motive was, but I consented, and now the walls of my compartmentalization are crumbling. I can no longer simply objectify him. Now I have to actually like and respect him in order to be sexually attracted. What a fucking pain in the ass. But you know, aside from the temporary lull in sexiness that inevitably follows this transition, it can be an exciting time. Because as I’ve been saying all along, I do really want that human connection. So for the past couple of days I’ve been getting comfortable with the possibility of thinking of Luke this way.

But tonight I bothered to ask him how long, exactly, he’s been seeing this girl-thing of his. And he said: “A couple months. …Actually, it’s been a little longer than that. But not that long.” WHAT THE FUCK? I’m sorry, but I’m not the kind of person who can be “seeing” someone for months but not consider him my boyfriend. Who does that? Ugh. It upset me more than I thought it might. I guess the problem is that I doubt I can really just move into the “friends with benefits” territory with this dude. If I end up liking him, I’ll really like him. And then I’ll want to be with him, which won’t be possible if he’s in a relationship (I have no interest in going the poly route right now). If he’s been seeing this chick for three months or more, something is obviously going on there.

But why haven’t they committed? He says they both seem to have reservations about getting more serious. OK. He agreed that it is time for them to sort that mess out. So there’s a chance it will end, whenever the hell he decides to bring it up. Which leaves me with the option of waiting to find out what the deal is – not fun. Meanwhile, all sexy talk between us has come to a grinding halt (har). And I’m still conflicted about whether I can even move into a place of liking him as a person and therefore being sexually attracted to him again. After a couple of days of nonsexual conversation I still don’t feel like I know him at all. This new information about his girl-thing is just one more aspect of him I feel like I don’t understand, one more way I can’t relate. It’s not a good sign.

I should probably just stop talking to him and call it a wash. But that’s not my style. I prefer to torture myself for as long as possible before coming to the obvious conclusion. If anyone would like to talk some sense into me one way or another, feel free.