the solipsist in love

A weak moment

I just got an email from Poly Dude telling me that he and his girlfriend have decided they’re moving to Washington at the end of the month. He prefaced the news by saying he knew I was still upset with him and he was sorry to be telling me something that would probably upset me more. So that may have shaped my reaction. I mean, why should I be upset? Much worse would have been the two of them moving into the city, increasing the chances of my running into them in any number of places but most notably anywhere in the kink scene, where I would have the opportunity to be reminded of my sexual inadequacy (in his eyes at least). No, much better for them to move so far away that there’s no chance I would ever see them again unless I made an effort.

He invited me to let him know if I wanted to see either of them before they leave. Now why would I want that? I don’t; judging from past experience it will probably be several months before I have any desire to see him again. But despite all of these things, the news has left me feeling vulnerable, altogether too soft. I would like someone to lean into right now, to curl up against, who will tell me that I’m wonderful and lovable and that I deserve to be with someone who will be good and kind and gentle (when I need him to be). But of course there is no one. I am hoping that by writing this entry I will be able to purge some of these feelings and get on with things. The urge to drink is creeping back into my life, and it worries me a little. At the same time, it is such an easy fix for what I know to be temporary emotional states, states that will pass regardless. And I know that drinking is a cop-out, a way to hide from my feelings rather than deal with them. But sometimes it really just is too much to handle and then I tell myself there’s probably something wrong with me anyway, getting as worked up as I do about silly things. Is it so wrong to want a break once in a while? … Even writing this makes me want to make myself a drink.

What I really want is to have someone I can crawl inside of and feel safe. In twenty-six years that hasn’t changed. I don’t even care if it’s impossible to find someone you can always, unconditionally feel safe with. If I lost hope for it I don’t know what would happen to me.