the solipsist in love

Is the “Other Woman” morally culpable?

So the OkCupid guy I had cybersex with the other night – let’s call him Luke – IMed me again this morning and we started talking dirty while he was at work. Naughty! I still feel weird about it; despite the fact that I think stigmas against online dating are stupid, cybersex continues to seem ridiculous to me, perhaps because I started doing it before I ever lost my virginity, and once I was actually having sex, what the the hell was the point of pretending anymore? Of course, it does have its benefits, though they are totally different for me now than they were when I was thirteen. Examples: it’s about the safest sex you can have with a partner (tying with phone sex); it allows you to share a crazy fantasy with someone without whatever risks might be involved in actually doing it; it can give you new ideas for your offline sex life. Just the same, I’ll take the real thing over a chat conversation any day. But even so, my initial resistance to typing naughty things to someone (even someone I’ve never met) quickly melts away when I get turned on enough.

So Luke started dropping comments about us actually getting together and having rough, wild, “dirty” sex, which is all very well (ok, honestly, I’m aching for it). I couldn’t tell whether he was being serious or we were still in make-believe land. He hasn’t committed to anything yet, but he seems to be considering it. Let’s recall that he is currently “seeing someone.” He made sure in our first conversation to differentiate this from “being in a relationship” or “having a girlfriend.” So I’m not sure what to make of that. Part of me – the really goddamn horny part – is pushing the idea that he’s fair game since they just started dating and are clearly not that serious. But when I’m clearheaded I know that he is probably considering boinking me without ending it with her. Meanwhile, I don’t want him to be fucking both of us simultaneously unless I am absolutely sure they’re both clean and she’s not sleeping with other people, which is a pretty ridiculous proposition in the mainstream (read: monogamous) world – why would she be okay with him sleeping with multiple people when she doesn’t get to? I also am not comfortable, on an ethical level, with him fucking us both but not telling her about the fact that he is having sex with other people, a situation that would brand me with that modern-day cliche: The Other Woman.

I’m not going to pretend that I’ve never been the Other Woman before. Off the top of my head I can think of three notable cases… wait, four… erm, five… and there were plenty of other times that I would have been totally up for it if the guy had been willing to risk it. This, incidentally, might at least partially explain why I get so paranoid about my boyfriends cheating on me. But I’m a changed woman, you see. A few years ago I decided I didn’t want to be the kind of person who would betray a fellow female – or, if you prefer, a fellow human being – by giving her partner the opportunity to damage their relationship. So when I come across evidence that sexually liberated women consider it morally unproblematic to sleep with a guy who is in a committed relationship with someone else, it disturbs me.

Similarly, I am somewhat appalled at how many of my otherwise high matches on OkCupid have answered the question:

Would you date someone who was currently in a relationship, knowing that you would “be a secret?”

with “It depends on the person.”

My answer is “Absolutely not.”

Maybe because I’ve been there… many times… and it’s never good. Now, to be clear, sometimes people just want a fling, and if the person is hot enough nothing else matters, not even that they’re going home to someone else every night. There’s no desire for further emotional involvement or any sort of long-term arrangement. And in that case, on a practical level, the answer “It depends on the person” makes sense. For my part, I always want the emotional connection, I always want the stability of a long-term relationship. And going into a situation in which I’m being kept a secret from a person’s primary partner is bad fucking news for those particular desires. Seriously. It never works. (I hope I don’t have to explain this in detail: look, I don’t care how many times he’s told you he loves you. If he is cheating on his current girlfriend, he’s scum. He will not treat you any better. GET OUT.)

But regardless of what you’re looking for, I find it morally reprehensible to get into a situation like that. It’s not difficult to figure out why. If you can, even for a second, imagine being that woman whose partner is cheating on her, how can you go through with it? Besides doing my share of cheating, I’ve been cheated on plenty of times, too. I’ve been told by several loves of my life (always erroneously, I would find out years later, when they came crawling back) that he had met this other woman and fallen in love and she’s the one he really wants to be with. If you invest as much into a person as I do when you fall in love, then you understand how devastating this would be. And to then find out that it’s been going on for months, maybe even years, while you your love and devotion and belief in your future with this person never changed… just thinking about it leaves me speechless with grief.

Of course, cheating doesn’t always end a relationship. Maybe the woman never finds out that her boyfriend or husband had a fling with some random woman. But you can bet your ass it won’t be the last time it happens. And then she’s stuck with this sleazeball who’s been lying to her for god knows how long. I would hate to be that woman, too. How humiliating. This relationship that she may well have built her emotional stability on is, in reality, a sham. Am I the only one who finds this thought horrifying?

I’ve heard the excuse that it’s the guy’s choice to be sleeping around on his partner, that if it’s not me then it’s going to be some other chick, so I may as well get some of the action. This is a pathetic line of reasoning. You’re still enabling him to be unfaithful; by agreeing to be a part of it you’re also giving him the message that it’s acceptable. What kind of fucking thing is that to do? Do you really want to be a part of a system that perpetuates betrayal and deception?

If you don’t think people should be forced by societal stigmas to be monogamous, that’s just fine, and I agree with that position. But if someone wants to sleep with multiple people, for christ’s sake, he should get permission from all of his partners beforehand. Be an adult about it. If you need multiple sexual partners to be happy, don’t go slinking around behind your girlfriend’s back to get your needs met because you don’t think she’ll take it well. Find someone who will. And if you’re the woman sleeping with the cheater, using the excuse that you don’t believe in monogamy, it’s not very fair to impose your beliefs upon a complete stranger who might not (and probably doesn’t) share them. Grow up. Please. Stop lying to yourself about the pain you’re creating in the world with your little fling.

To anyone who would like to defend the moral position of the Other Woman, please feel free to share.