the solipsist in love

The quest for kink

I’ve been feeling sexually frustrated lately. One of the good things that came out of my most recent relationship is that I got to explore my kinky/submissive side. I also found out that I slip fairly easily into what’s called the “sub’s high”, which was a revelation to me. Since I value altered states tremendously as avenues toward greater self-understanding and personal growth, I was thrilled to discover that I could basically be put in a euphoric trance without drugs or alcohol, and with the added bonus of an orgasm and all the lovely messiness that is sex. The problem is that i didn’t get NEARLY ENOUGH SEX (or play) in that relationship, and now that it’s over I’m left out in the cold in terms of having a partner I can continue to experiment with.

So I’ve started looking around the internet for kink/BDSM resources in San Francisco. One thing’s for sure: I’m in the right city to be exploring this stuff. I’m hoping that some of the beginners’ workshops offered at the Citadel will be of help to me in figuring out how to find a good partner.

I mean, dating was difficult enough before. Finding a guy who is not emotionally inept or a creep is a pain in the ass… finding someone who will tolerate my eccentricities and failings is even more of a challenge. Now I’m looking for a guy who not only is emotionally aware, understanding, kind, and a feminist, but will also enjoy causing me pain during sex. The words “get a fucking grip” come to mind. I’ve been informed that OkC is a good place to find other people who are into the poly/kink scenes. This is another annoyance factor: I don’t identify as poly, and at this point in my life I don’t want to deal with the stress that accompanies poly relationships. But there seems to be a huge amount of overlap in the poly/kink communities here. Anyway, I’ve found a couple of people who are pretty clearly kinky tops on the site, but it’s still so foreign to me. How do you start a conversation with someone when what you really want to know is “how do you feel about choking a girl in bed”? Because two very different kinds of guys will be enthusiastic about that prospect. I guess I really do need a workshop.

Since that relationship ended I’ve also been more intrigued by the thought of experimenting sexually with women. My former roommate actually set me up with an ex-girlfriend so that we might attend the monthly Eat ‘n Beat event held at the Power Exchange. I didn’t know before I emailed her that she identified as a top. And I always thought she was the cutest of my friend’s exes. Hum. So now we’ve talked and flirted a bit and are planning on going to the Power Exchange to have a little fun. And I was totally excited about this – and a little freaked out.

The next day, however, I found my sex drive had basically shut down. I mean, I was not the least bit interested in going to any of these workshops, or getting it on with this cute girl who is supposed to publicly flog me in a week and a half. I think it must just be my fear, my discomfort with the thought of approaching a girl sexually. God, I suck. I’m one of those whiny, repressed bi-curious people who end up being teases because they don’t know (or can’t deal with) what they want. Awesome.

But meanwhile I’m trying to enjoy not having a sex drive. It really does make my daily life a lot simpler…