the solipsist in love

Pain: the natural (and free!) mood enhancer

It’s amazing what a little Japanese rope bondage (link NSFW) and flogging can do for one’s mood. Since my breakup with Poly Dude and his girlfriend Kristen two and a half weeks ago I’ve been moping around the house in my pajamas, barely able to entertain the thought of going out and/or finding a job. But last night I went to the Power Exchange with Julie, one of my good friends’ ex-girlfriends. After we ate pizza and primped, we headed out late to catch the Eat’n’Beat dungeon event. Unfortunately, by the time we arrived, the party had left, but there were a couple of vets there who were both happy to teach Julie a thing or two about topping me.

My experience with kink and subbing is still quite limited; Julie is the third person I’ve ever played with (I don’t count those fumbling, half-hearted experiences with my high school boyfriend, though I do regret letting him keep the toys we accumulated). The ropes were good fun – I was already slipping into a trance by the time the chest harness was in place. The breathing restriction was probably the most noticeable effect. Once I was rigged to the large wooden prop with my hands secured behind my back I was slightly worried that I might faint, but managed to bring myself back into my body. As the rope expert showed Julie the intricacies of the binding work, I was able to marvel at the mental state I was in: calm, somewhat watery, and perfectly content. Normally it’s impossible for me not to be obsessing about one train of thought or another, so this state of quiet strikes me (so to speak) as miraculous, when it occurs.

Then came some light flogging, followed by some expert use of a bullwhip. The sonic crack of that thing scared me silly at first. How was I to know for sure that the dude wouldn’t slip and split me open like an overripe fruit? But somehow it was easy to come to terms with the possibility that I would in a moment be bleeding profusely and in need of stitches or a transfusion, or missing an eye, or whatever. I felt sure, at least, that in the event of an accident they would take care of me. This, again, is remarkable. Maybe it was stupid of me to feel that level of acceptance, a strange version of trust. But I did, and it felt good to just be okay with whatever might transpire. It’s a state I have a lot of trouble conjuring in my daily life. I’m more of the “prepare for every eventuality by dwelling on worst-case scenarios for hours at a time” type.

After I’d had enough, I curled up into a fetal position on the couch. Julie came over to cuddle with me for a while and that was lovely. All I wanted at that moment was to feel her around me and to listen to her voice tell me a quiet story. When I was able to walk again we went back to my place, cuddled some more, and fell asleep spooning. I am still amazed at how happy I felt then, and how much improved my mood is today over what it has been lately.

The endorphin rush from the kind of play I enjoy has the obvious benefit of improving mood. I seem to be able to experience it as a kind of euphoric meditative state. If only I could sit zazen with such enthusiasm. (Maybe this explains the Zen master’s notorious percussive violence toward students?) But it seems that regular play sessions might very well provide at least equally effective mood regulation for me. It’s so incredibly valuable to my mental health to have the opportunity to step outside of the chaos of my discursive thoughts for a few hours.

But the most startling benefit of last night’s play was the gratitude I felt for Julie as my dom. She was constantly attentive, and I never doubted how important it was to her that I enjoyed myself and felt taken care of. It was amazing to know so absolutely that my feelings were of utmost important to someone. In a lot of ways I think this is the experience I crave generally in my relationships: to know that I matter, and that what I feel matters. I just had never thought that I would be able to get that particular need met by being beaten.

Yum.

Photo by geishaboy500.