the solipsist in love

You’re not too good for online dating

(Thanks to someecards.com for that great title, btw.)

Some have called me a “pioneer” for having begun my online dating career at the tender age of 13 – no joke – back in 1994. At that time I was spending weekends at the black-and-orange text-only computer terminals in the public library, using Telnet to talk dirty with indescribably nerdy college kids. My junior prom date was a law student at NYU who had flown three thousand miles to dance awkwardly with me to No Doubt. (I never saw him again; he was a terrible dancer.) I even met my ex-husband on MySpace. (Note: For this reason, I DO not endorse MySpace as a good dating tool.) I’m not saying it’s all gravy, but really, what’s the harm?

Even today, many of my friends resist the idea of turning to the internet for some help with the dating scene. Dating is much more difficult after college: you don’t have the built-in community anymore, the raging parties within walking distance of your dorm, the hundreds or thousands of people your age who will allow their hormones to drive them straight into your bed. But with OKCupid around, there’s absolutely no good reason the highly-educated 20-something crowd should continue to suffer the dearth of booty (and, erm, love) that is post-college existence.

My last three “relationships” – which ranged from a couple of months of bicoastal long-distance madness, a one-night stand with a crazy blond hottie in the Pacific NW, and the polyamorous disaster mentioned previously in this blog – all started on OkC. You might disagree that my testimonial thus far is much of a sell. But! The people I’ve gotten involved with on OkC have been unbelievably attractive and wicked smart. Sure, they have their glaring personality flaws… but don’t we all? In all honesty, those relationships were better experiences overall than ones I’ve had that began and ended offline.

By the way, did I mention that OkC is a free service? It was designed by three math majors, two of whom went to Harvard (I don’t know, I think it’s a selling point, but I love geeky guys). The site itself is irreverent and much of it is done in a lighthearted, tongue-in-cheek manner. It’s totally geared toward young, educated people. And good lord, since I’ve moved to San Francisco I can’t believe how many of these guys within a 25-mile radius are raging nerds working for Google or something.

Advantages of OkCupid as a dating tool

• An elaborate match system that requires you to answer questions about your preferences, beliefs and values: you answer for yourself, then indicate the answer your ideal partner would give, and then rank the importance of their giving that answer. This generates a match percentage, a friend percentage and an enemy percentage, all of which show up next to people’s profiles in your search results. My most recent ex-boyfriend is a 93% match (the highest I’ve seen); my East coast lover is an 87%. People I’ve met and dated or befriended offline who have joined tend to have a better than 80% match with me, which I think is a good indicator of the match system’s accuracy.
• Photos! Ideally from lots of different angles! Here’s a tip for you online dating newbies: my normal rubric is that people’s dating profile pictures represent them as being between five and ten times hotter than they actually are. Buyer beware.
• Basic information like religious affiliation, stance on children (have, want, don’t want), astrological sign, and feelings about dogs and cats are available in the sidebar of every profile. This is great information to scan in case any of these things might be dealbreakers for you (as they are for me: I don’t date religious people, I never want children, and I’m sadly allergic to cats; I’m also a little wary of Capricorns).
• Extensive descriptions including headings like “What I’m Doing with my Life,” “Things I’m Really Good At,” “Books/Movies/Music,” and “The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit Here.” OkC encourages lengthy, elaborate profiles, so people’s personalities really get a chance to shine. I don’t know about you, but I like having this in-depth look at a person – both the preferences and values, and how he chooses to make his first impression. Contrast this with the oft-arising scenario of seeing a total hottie in a public space, starting a conversation, and realizing he’s an idiot after the first sentence leaves his mouth. Save yourself the hassle of having to reject someone in person. Ignoring solicitous OkC messages is as easy as hitting the Delete button!
• Did i mention it’s free?

Frequently asked questions about online dating

Isn’t it dangerous?
Not if you have some sense about it. I’m not trying to be glib about the issue of safety, but basically online dating is only dangerous if:

1. you give out identifying personal information before you know you can trust someone. Examples: Last name. Address. Place of work. Phone numbers are a bit of a gray area in my opinion. For the record, I’ve set up plenty of first dates with people I’ve never spoken on the phone with (though a person’s voice can reveal a lot about them).
2. you agree to meet someone who is obviously a total creep. (If you need help discerning whether someone is a total creep, I am happy to lend my expertise.)
3. you agree to meet someone in anything other than a well-trafficked, well-lit public place.
4. you agree to let them drive you ANYWHERE on the first, second or third date.
5. you in any other way put yourself at their mercy before you know they aren’t insane/homicidal/whatever. NOTE: If you are drinking during the date, monitor your glass closely.
6. you have sex with them without taking the usual recommended precautions. In this sense it’s just like any other kind of dating.

When in doubt, back off. Just remember, joining the site alone will not jeopardize your safety (unless, again, you give out identifying information in your profile or in the messages you exchange with people on the site.)

I also suggest you create a new email account using Gmail or a similar service, so that you can protect your primary email account and your last name in case you start emailing someone you’ve hit it off with.

Why would anyone who is remotely dateable bother to join an online dating site?
This was asked me by a male friend. Well, I consider myself highly dateable because I’m a hot piece of ass and not batshit crazy (actually, the latter is up for debate). And I’ve been doing this online dating thing for more than a decade. Why? Because online dating is like shooting fish in a barrel for someone like me. I get the ego-boost of being hit on by scores of guys, I get to scrutinize and reject them without ever having to leave my house, and I often get to skip the embarrassing and demoralizing experience of a miserable first date and the subsequent awkward conversation about how we should just be friends.

Conversely, I also get to screen for guys who are likely to appreciate the complex mess that I am without running screaming at the first sign that it might take more than a nice dinner and a pretty necklace to keep me happy.

Is there anyone hot on that site? I’ve joined and everyone looks like a dog.
Keep looking. They’re there. I promise.

If you have any further concerns, feel free to let me know. But jesus, just join the site already. It couldn’t hurt to take a look around. Then you can come back here and dish about that awesome/crazy/horrible person you met and had awkward stranger-sex with.