The Dumbass Dilemma
November 8, 2008 at 5:04 pm | Posted in dating | Leave a commentTags: dating, luke, manners, sex
Well, as you may have guessed from the post title, Luke has been demoted back to Dumbass. Following his sweet little visit to sick little me last weekend, he didn’t initiate contact with me even ONCE in the intervening week. I IMed him the next day to set up our next date, at which point, despite having told me he would be “free whenever” (now that his work contract is up and he’s temporarily free of job obligations), he informed me that both his Friday and Saturday nights were booked. This may have been an irrational reason for me to get pissed at him again. By way of backstory, the night that he brought me soup I had a dream about him — a nice little boyfriend dream — which I haven’t experienced with any of the guys I’ve dated since Poly Dude. It freaked me out, because it meant that I was actually starting to like him. I was wary at first, then optimistic. And that’s when I IMed him. And for him to not even seem all that interested in talking with me or making plans was really aggravating. So whatever. I decided after that conversation that, despite having made plans for this Sunday night (dinner and a sleepover), I would be trying my hardest not to like him.
Flash forward to this morning, a day before our scheduled date. FINALLY he IMs me (I’d held out to see how long he would wait: consider that he didn’t even bother to check in with me during the week to see how my cold was progressing. Ugh). Below is an excerpt from the ensuing conversation:
11:43:40 AM Luke: I was thinking about seeing you tomorrow
11:43:57 AM Jana: that’s good. you remembered 😛
[…]
11:45:52 AM Jana: were you thinking anything in particular about tomorrow?
11:46:52 AM Luke: I’m excited to try the restaurant we’re going to
11:47:17 AM Luke: I was also thinking about fucking you
11:48:18 AM Luke: both good things to think about
11:48:20 AM Jana: sounds like a good time all around
11:48:36 AM Luke: and I was wondering how you were feeling
11:48:42 AM Luke: so I’m glad you’re over the cold
OK. To recap: “I’m excited about food and sex and I hope you’re not sick anymore so we can have food and sex.”
This has got to be the stupidest guy I’ve dated since, like, um, middle school. EVEN THE GUYS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL were nicer than this.
I just can’t understand it. Why does he think it’s appropriate to talk to me this way? Apparently my conversation with him a couple weeks ago about not treating me like a fucktoy hasn’t sunk in. I’m beginning to wonder whether he’s even human.
If I’m trying to give him a break, maybe I would guess that he thought he had bought some leeway with me for bringing me soup last weekend, so he could go back to being vulgar with me. And to be fair, things did start out this way between us back in August, with no concern for each other’s humanity. But things were different then. I desperately wanted sex, was still recovering from my breakup with Poly Dude, and was happy to objectify and be objectified in turn to get my needs met. But now I am getting sex, and I’m dating someone who is good to me in many ways. While it would be fun to have another sex partner, I’m not willing to compromise my self-esteem for that privilege — and anyway, the one thing I’m really missing is a sense of emotional intimacy with someone I’m sleeping with. So, yes, things have changed a lot since I was last talking to Dumbass. And he isn’t aware of any of this. And so he may be acting inappropriately because it’s the dynamic we’ve established and he has no idea what I really want from him, because I haven’t exactly, you know, told him. Aside from the “respect me, beeotch!” speech, of course.
But come on. It would have at least been polite to say hi during the week and ask how I was feeling, considering he SAT AROUND ALL WEEK DOING NOTHING.
Given all of this information, here are the options I’m considering:
- Go out on my date with him tomorrow night, as planned, and wait to see whether he does anything else to piss me off that will push me over the edge and make me yell at him for being such a dumbfuck (possibly in front of an entire restaurant full of people).
- Go out to dinner with the intention of telling him what a jackass he is either while we’re eating or directly after he pays the bill.
- Go out to dinner with him tomorrow night, order an assload of food, make myself sick on said food, then beg off the rest of the date and go home.
- Stand him up.
- Wait until he comes online again (he hasn’t been on in a few hours and I know he’s going out tonight), then tell him everything I’ve said above, effectively explaining to him that I will not be going out with him tomorrow night or ever again. (This option runs the risk of his not being online again until tomorrow, which would mean I’d be canceling the date within hours of its scheduled commencement. Why I’m so concerned with being considerate, I don’t know.)
- Send him an email containing this information, immediately.
That’s about all I’ve got. I’m worried that if I go on the date I’ll chicken out of telling him off. I’m also worried that I’m being too hard on him or failing to consider some more compassionate perspective that would make his sins seem more forgivable.
God I am such a fucking sucker.
I’m leaning toward the email, though that seems rather cowardly and rash. Am I being rash? Am I being unreasonable?
Honestly, if I didn’t have to go on this date, I could get a lot done on Sunday night for my grad school applications.
Introducing the Points System
November 2, 2008 at 9:55 pm | Posted in dating | Leave a commentTags: cuddling, daria, dating, luke, points system, sex, sick
The universe provides: tonight I got my quiet cuddling time with TV and warmth and breathing and no talking. Bliss.
Full story: I started getting sick last night and thought I could tough it out for my date with Dumbass this evening. Unfortunately, my physical discomfort won out over my sense of obligation. He offered to reschedule when he saw my gchat status (yay indirect modes of communication!). Then he offered to bring me soup.
First thought: how sweet! I mean, really. Holy shit.
Second thought: maybe he is just offering because he knows I wouldn’t ask him to do that, and is thereby trying to earn himself points without actually making any effort.
Third thought: only one way to find out!
So I told him he could bring me soup. And he said okay. 😀 Then I went home and spent an hour cleaning my room. He finally showed up around 6:45 with ramen from some Japanese place downtown and we settled into bed with bowls and watched some Daria. Then we cuddled. Then we had a nice fuck. Then we cuddled some more. Then he said he had to go to the grocery store before it closed (he was borrowing his roommate’s car… I’m not sure this is really a legitimate reason to leave after less than two hours, but then again, this was technically a charity visit and not a proper date).
Other thoughts from the day (in chronological order):
- When Dumbass (whose pseudonym Luke is now being reinstated on grounds of good behavior) saw I was feeling crappy online, he called me “sweetie.” I was surprised by this. After all, we’d only been on one date, and I’d already expressed serious doubts about the appropriateness of our continuing to see each other. It seems a little familiar, doesn’t it? I mean, I don’t even use terms of endearment with Seth except for the purely physical ones (hot stuff, handsome). Then while we were fucking he called me “sweetheart.” Also strange. I’m not going to pretend I don’t like terms of endearment. I do. But I like them because of the level of emotional intimacy they imply. So what kind of stunt is Luke trying to pull, using these with me?
- I think it might be time to institute an actual points system for the boys I’m dating. After all, the messy tally I’m used to keeping is just not going to cut it for comparing three people at once. So I’m going to start assigning point values (positive and negative) to various behaviors, statements, etc… beginning immediately. I’ll be posting and updating the list here.
- Luke is definitely the one I find most attractive of all the guys I am dating at the moment. Nom nom nom nom nom. The blondish hair, nice narrow jaw (heart-shaped face), tiny waist and triangle it makes from his shoulders, hipbones protruding like cup handles, freckles across his back. Lovely cock, of course. And I kind of wonder how much more prone my physical attraction to him makes me to forgive his faults, and to think about becoming more emotionally attached to him. You can’t deny the power of animal magnetism. I think we also have better sexual chemistry… Anyway, the part of me that hates superficiality is upset by this realization, and the rest of me is like, “Jeez, give it a rest already.” I like being totally turned on looking at a guy and touching him. It makes a lot of things way easier to deal with. And now he has earned major points by rescheduling our second date an bringing me soup instead. I could be cynical about this — he knows how to get back on my good side though it may not indicate anything major about how interested he is in me — but I can’t decide whether to go this route. Naturally, I’d like to believe he’s actually a good guy, despite all prior evidence to the contrary.
- FUCK.
Now it’s only 9pm and I have the rest of the evening to chillax, maybe work a little, and sleep sleep sleep. I’m glad I didn’t go on that date. And I even got the cuddling! I give this night a 9.5 of 10 (minus .5 only for not getting more cuddling).
P.S. He is a good kisser.
And then there is no mystery left
October 24, 2008 at 8:44 pm | Posted in online dating, relationships, sex | Leave a commentTags: dating, first date, luke, seth, sex, therapy
Yes, so, clearly I’m having trouble keeping up with my update schedule. Sorry. But here goes:
I ended up agreeing to go out on a date with Luke last weekend. The good: he looked pretty much exactly like his pictures, but for a slightly weaker chin, so he was pretty cute. He managed to hold up his end of an intellectual conversation. He paid for everything (though really we just had drinks at several different bars). He had a yummy body (pale and skinny and hairless, with protruding hipbones and a tiny waist and freckles across his back). And the sex was good; I was impressed with his stamina and relentless enthusiasm.
The bad is, actually, too much for me to fully go into at this point. In summary, I really should have paid attention to the red flags I’d seen before I’d even met him. Yep. How many times do I need to relearn this lesson? Anyway, he displayed abominably bad manners, and while some of this can be chalked up to his total lack of experience with girls he can slap around in bed ( “oh wait, she’s not just a fucktoy? 😦 ” ), I’m also less than impressed with his communication skills and his ability to, like, not be a stupid fucking indecisive flake. OK then. I was willing to give him another chance and explain to him the rules of etiquette (primarily: hi, I’m still human, you need to treat me with some goddamn respect and appreciation if you want anything from me), but his ability to even allot me some time to finish this conversation is apparently nonexistent. SO NOT IMPRESSED. So I think I am going to just tell him TTYN. (By the way, I’ve become addicted to the new MTV show “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF.” OMGWTFLOL.)
The good news is that going on a date with this dude who may justifiably now be labeled a Total Creep (and maybe many of you would have given him that label two months ago, but I guess I’m more generous/naive than that) has made me appreciate Seth a lot more. It seems the key to keeping that relationship in calm waters is to just avoid all possible party-related interactions in his company. I don’t deny that part of what makes me somewhat comfortable with this arrangement — more comfortable than I might otherwise be — is a healthy dose of denial about the extent and range of his other relationships. On the bright side, he has modified his OkCupid profile to indicate that he is way too busy to start dating anyone new. So I guess I’m on the permanent schedule, even if it is just once a week.
Meanwhile, I’ve started seeing a therapist — an intern, a student of the California Institute of Integral Studies. The first session (intake) went okay, but then again I didn’t let her talk much; she just asked background questions. The second session, this past week, was a little rougher. I once again talked almost the entire session, but I ended up talking a fair bit about poly and kink and giving her a perfunctory education on these things. I’m not sure whether her total ignorance will end up being problematic in the therapeutic relationship. I did manage to talk about nothing but Seth the entire session, which I thought was pretty funny. Relationships are a great diversion, like a tangled ball of yarn you can just sit and pick through for hours without getting much of anywhere. And I guess they make a good icebreaker for me. I talk about relationships to everyone — even to complete strangers like you! The deeper issues, whatever those are, will have to be worked up to. Earned, so to speak. Ha.
The other change that’s happened in me since my date with Luke is that I seem to be more eager to go out and find some more people to date. Who knows why? Maybe the one date was enough of a blow to my self-esteem that I feel like I need to go trolling for someone who will appreciate me more. And yes, even more than Seth. And with whom I can have a great intellectual conversation — that would be great. And as long as we’re wishing, how about some emotional bonding too? Not to get greedy or anything.
Nothing much else is happening, sorry to report. See you next week, by which time I hope to have at least two new prospective boytoys.
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