the solipsist in love

Varieties of escapism

Today my body feels like a brittle rubber band. I need to do yoga and get about sixteen massages. When is that going to happen? I have no fucking clue. I’ve been sitting in front of my computer for days now… maybe weeks… who’s counting? I guess it’s been about 10 days. Everyday, I give myself some new project that will consume my thoughts and my activities for the entire sixteen hours that I’m awake. Yesterday it was researching MFA programs, moving toward finalizing my application list. (I’m down to about 20 schools; need to get it down to 12 without completely destroying my chances of being accepted anywhere. And no, I have no idea where the money for application fees will come from.) Today I told myself I would research alternative plans in case I don’t get accepted anywhere. Of course, the problem is that my technique has proven a little too effective: I rarely manage to do anything outside the realm of my one project. It’s all I can do to force out a blog post at the end of the night.

But today at 3:45pm my flow was interrupted. I received a call letting me know that I didn’t receive the job I had been hoping desperately for since last week. DAMN IT. I am hopelessly broke and without prospects. I can’t believe this job market. I’ve never been interviewed and rejected so many times in a short period. On top of the recent breakup, my self-esteem is taking a beating. God, I hate applying for jobs that I don’t even really want. It looks like it might be fruitless, the way the economy is right now. Maybe the only way I could get a job right now is by actually being perfect for it, in terms of both my skill set and my interests. That’s a slightly more encouraging way of thinking about it, though it still doesn’t take care of how I’ll be paying my bills next month.

In response to this latest defeat, I got the crazy idea of reentering academia ahead of schedule and living off of student loans. (This was after I fought off the urge to start drinking in the middle of the afternoon.) After all, that very well might be what I’m doing a year from now. Why not get started early? I’m already registered at the local community college, so I filled out a FAFSA and will wait for that to go through. This might mark a new level of financial desperation in my life. But despite the indignity of my situation, I feel somewhat relieved. Being a student is safe, it’s comfortable, and it’s fascinating! I’ve been getting all excited about the classes I could take in the coming year: literature, philosophy, critical theory, women’s studies, french, art, psychology, sociology, linguistics… so many things I missed out on as an undergrad. Man oh man. I’m drooling just thinking about it.

My other major distraction of the day was getting an OkCupid message from a cute guy I’d given a high attractiveness rating last week, who then messaged me on Thursday. Unfortunately for me, he somehow managed to stumble into a relationship over the weekend, but he was kind enough to email me to let me know this and to ask if we could be “friends.” I still firmly believe that it’s not possible for men and women to just be friends (unless the man is gay, and even then it’s not guaranteed… I should know), but instead of calling him out on this – “If by a ‘friend’ you mean someone you’d like to stay in touch with in case you become single again in the near future, then OK!” – i just made him confirm that was what he really wanted, as opposed to just being polite.

So we started chatting online while looking at each other’s profiles. He began taking some of the tests I had listed – tests determining how dominant/submissive you are, how kinky, etc. Tests I took because of the recent ex, Poly Dude, as he will henceforth be known. Well, it turns out this hot little piece of meat I was talking to was a moderately dominant, highly kinky individual, which I wouldn’t have guessed by looking at his pictures. So we started talking about what kinds of things we liked in bed… and it turned out we had a lot of complementary preferences. And of course talking about them only got us both excited, and well, one thing led to another, etc. A few hours later we became abruptly awkward as we said good night and logged off of our chat clients. But man, those few hours I just glossed over were fucking hot. I hadn’t had cybersex since high school, or even phone sex really. I get too self-conscious and I think it’s ridiculous: why not just skip the talking and get to the real stuff? But this time I was completely consumed by the fantasy and it was, well, fantastic.

As you know, I have lately lamented the problem of finding a sexually compatible partner given my newly discovered bedroom interests, so this development was surprising and encouraging. The funny thing is that I doubt I would have been as frank with him as quickly as I was if there had been a chance that we would start dating in the near future. That’s not to say I would have been dishonest, but somehow I would have felt like there was more to protect. Now, because he is “seeing someone,” the chances that we’ll meet are low unless they break up soon (or unless our hot little session tonight gets him rethinking his choices – but I’m not getting my hopes up. Really). And even if we were to meet, it would likely be solely because of our apparent sexual compatibility… which is always a great way for me to pretend that I can successfully avoid investing any emotion into the situation. Anyway, I can’t say I think it’s going anywhere, though I do believe there’s a good chance we will hook up at some point.

Meanwhile I can’t tell whether the guys down here in the bay area are really more attractive than they are in Portland, or the greater numbers simply mean more hotties, or I’m just getting increasingly desperate and therefore lowering my standards. But I’ve been getting messages from a number of guys I wouldn’t mind fucking. I think I’m still rebounding pretty hard (oh yeah, it’s only been 9 days… right), and the recent blows to my ego aren’t helping matters. Good thing I went off the pill. That should force me to keep my panties on for at least another couple of weeks.